Integrity.

I have come to realise that no matter how many cars you own, you better keep alive your connections with the infamous world of autorikshaws. Here's why.

Red, my car, has a driver who takes him cruising around town, dropping my mother and me off to our respective workplaces, taking us shopping, eating out and do plenty other stuff. There have been times though, when Red's services have been unavailable to me. Like this morning, when the driver went on leave and i had no choice but to take an auto. From my grandmother's place, which is in the back of beyond.

Sure i can drive, but i refrain from doing so simply because i'm too young to be imprisoned for life, for committing mass murder on the roads.

There were five... no, eight autos waiting to bait wary travellers at the Jagdishnagar bus stop. True to tradition, a good three-quarter of the drivers were missing from their autos, while the rest left behind carried the legacy of immobility forward by refusing to go anywhere.

One autowallah finally agreed to drop me off at 100 feet road - a tactic that i often bring into play when the autos refuse to see me to my destination. It requires changing autos from mid-point or wherever, but at least i'm not wasting time.

Anyway, i got into the auto while sending up a silent prayer of thanks.

Close to CMH Road the autowallah asks me, "CMH Road or 100 feet road?" Confused because i'd forgotten i was travelling in an auto, i said "100 feet road...no, CMH road. Actually, any auto stand where i can get autos from easily." He nodded his comprehension, and a took a turn that i hadn't expected in a million years. Reason? I knew not of a single auto stand within a 1 mile radius of that place. Unless things had changed so drastically in the couple of months of my travelling by car that new auto stands had cropped up there.

Our man had a different tactic in mind. He stopped all empty autos he met on the way, asking if they would go to Residency Road. The second auto agreed, and i got off after paying the fare in the auto that i'd come in. Just as i went to board the second auto, the driver asks me, "Kidhar madam?" and i say, "Residency Road". He made a clucking sound and zoomed out of there. Without me in his auto!!!!

My first auto was still there, so i told him incredulously, "That auto you stopped is gone!" The man just murmured his sympathies and took off too! The cheek! I was left stranded in the middle of nowhere - at least a nowhere for autos - without any means of transport!! I fumed and fumed because i had to walk up the road in extremely uncomfortable heels till i found an auto willing to take me where i wanted to go.

May those two autos burn in hell. At least there was a saving grace - neither asked for any extra.

Auto drivers meet their match.

Oh, how many times have i wished for quick wit and sharp retorts; never more when i come across smart-alecy auto drivers who think they're God's gift to those without an alternative mode of travell. I fumble, stutter and stammer. And by the time i can think of a suitably smart one, the moment's lost.

Thankfully, plenty of my friends and acquaintances make up for my lack of smart mouthedness. Here are some of my all-time favourites:
1. CJ to autowallah demanding extra: "Kyun bhai, aur kya kya de rahe ho hamein?"
2. Yam to autowallah demanding extra: "Kyun, gaadi mein AC hai kya?"
3. Ramesis to the Nth auto refusing to come to Residency Road: "Karachi chalogey kya?"
4. Nitasha to Nth auto refusing to take her home: "Nai bhiayya, aap batao kahan jayenge, hum waheen chale jayenge."
5. Ramesis to an auto that stops: "Aagey jao, nai chahiye."

I shall keep adding to this as and when i hear some smart ones.

Mannubhai motor chali pom pom pom!

I am now the proud owner of a car. Phew. The relief. No more autos.

Just this once, i hate honesty.

So it was that i had waited for an auto for a really long time (as usual), standing defenseless against the rain (and the passing motorists). An autowallah finally decided to have some pity on me and carried me home. For 10 rupees extra.

His metre was fast...bloody fast. If it was a couple of rupees fast, i wouldn't have minded. His was 20 rupees faster and i couldn't not do anything about it. So i told him. "Sir, nim metre tumba fast ide." ("Sir, your metre's very fast.")

For two whole minutes, he didn't say a thing. And then he said (in Hindi), "See madam, i am not going to deny the metre is fast, because it is. People do it on the sly but i will be honest with you - it is set at ten paise extra for every rupee. What to do ma? How is one supposed to manage children's school fees, three square meals a day, petrol, house rent and auto rent on the normal fares? Some people give the money quietly, some others give it and then say 'Ya, ya, you cheat and take money and it will never work for you'. What to do madam?"










Yes, i'm a sucker. I quietly paid him the metre amount. And the extra.

Kaho Na... Pyaar Hai.

Me: "Auto!"
Pot-belly: High-browed look
Me: "R.T.Nagar?"
Pot-belly (Contemplative): "150 rupees Madam."

Two minutes.

Me: "Auto!"
Rajnikanth moustache: Questioning look
Me: "R.T.Nagar?"
Me: "Jaymahal?"
Me: "Munireddy Palya?"
Me: "Cunningham Road?"
Me: "B******!!!" (After he goes away)

Ten minutes.

Me: "Auto!"
Mr.I-deserve-more: "Where to madam?"
Me: "R.T.Nagar Main Road?"
Mr.I-deserve-more: "20 rupees extra Madam."

Half an hour.

Me: "Auto!"
Stud-boy: "Kidhar jaana Medam?"
Me: "R.T.Nagar Main Road."
Stud-boy: "80 rupees hota Medam."
Me: "20 rupees lelo bhaiyya."

On the way home.
Me: Looking outside.
Stud-boy: Driving.
Second auto with a bunch of eunuchs (Can't think of a better word, sorry) as passengers.
E1: Looks stud-boy up and down. Performs the X-ray again.

Our auto passes by. Two minutes later, second auto catches up.
E1 to stud-boy (Sexy drawl): "Kya rey, itta mast hai tuuuuu..." (What da, so hot you are)
Stud-boy: Embarrassed. Zooms away.

Second auto catches up again.
E1: "Ikdum Ittik Roshan jaisa hai na reeeee..." (You are just like Hritik Roshan no da)
Stud-boy: Completely flabbergasted.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. There is justice in this world.

Easy Auto.

A novel concept has been introduced in Bangalore - the first i heard of it was this morning on my way to office. It's called Easy Auto. Remember those times in school when we had autos whom we paid every month, and who came and picked us up from home and dropped us back in the evening? Well, this is a service for adults. (Nothing X rated about it. At all.)

The Karnataka Autorikshaw Association along with Bangalore cops (i don't know what their association is called) have started this thing. You can bet your shiny *** that this is going to whoop the backsides of all those snooty drivers who ask for atrocious sums of money any time of the day to go even as far as a 100 yards. And the thing is, it works out as well for drivers as it does for passengers - the autowallahs get a steady income every month from the fixed passengers, besides making money from other passengers through the day. And for us passengers, well, it's a Godsend.

The mandates that are created for the autowallahs would be cause for immense glee to any Bangalorean who's stood for hours on end waiting for one decent auto to agree to take him/her to his/her destination, minus any extras - it's almost like the cops' families and the association people have experienced how anal autowallahs can be, and sympathise with us. Take this for example: the auto must be equipped with an electronic meter, the autowallah should carry a mobile phone (doesn't affect out lives so much, unless we're fixed passengers), must have a steady supply of water and, get this, soft drinks in the auto; he cannot, at any point in the day, refuse to take any passengers wherever they want to go; nor can he charge an extra pie.

Apparently, the response so far has been good. My auto's EA (short for Easy Auto) number was 101, which means there are 100 more around the city that i know of. Who knows how many more there are - every day, two or three of them trickle out of the woodwork and pledge to reform themselves by registering with EA.Oh, and passengers get a cool Pepsi kit when they register for the facility. And they get plenty of goodies along with it.

Happy days are here agin. It's probably one of those few times i'll be glad to get back to a life similar to school.

P.S: Anyone interested can call +91 9844112233 for more details or to register. (CTA, the bane of advertising life.)